This is my life now
Nora
It was lunchtime, and we were all at the table. The maid started serving the soup, and when it was my turn, I shook my head. I wasn’t hungry. The food wasn’t the problem, it was them. I could barely sit around them without vomiting. Keeping my composure is what I was focusing on to avoid difficulties because I felt my sanity fading away through my hands.
“Carmen, serve my wife soup, and don’t remove the plate until it’s empty.” My husband, Erik, ordered her. Under the table, I was burying my nails into my leg. Our situation is getting worse and worse every day, to the point where I cannot tolerate their presence. I have to come up with a new excuse to avoid them, for my own sake.
But it’s been almost impossible for me lately since he is determined that we share all the meals together, and of course, I had to go with him anywhere he demanded, acting as his dutiful wife.
The worst part is that I must stay by his side as if the whole world doesn’t know that this marriage is a joke. But I know why he’s doing it, he wants to humiliate me in front of everyone. He intends to make me pay for turning him down.
“I think Nora doesn’t like the soup, honey. You shouldn’t force her like that. That’s not healthy, and honestly, I think she doesn’t have much appetite.” Commented my husband’s hypocritical and nosy lover of the month, with a smile on her disgusting face.
I didn’t even bother looking up, as I know him well; if he says I must finish my soup, then I must. The soup was put on my plate by the help, who then left. Unable to do anything else, I grabbed the spoon and began to eat. The taste of this should be great, but to me, the taste is like cardboard. The company of these people always spoils my senses.
“Hijo, be mindful of your wife. How do you suppose she will behave, sharing the table with your guest? It is already difficult when you invite them into her house, let alone have them in front of her face. Your affairs are your own, and keeping them private should be your priority. Try not to involve the family, and show a bit of respect to your wife, and me. Discretion is better.”
Oh, wow! Rosa, my mother-in-law, stood up for me. She comes from a different era, and I understand that very well. The infidelity of her husband is something she has had to accept her entire life. Rest in peace, fortunately. It disgusts me, however, to hear her suggest that her son should keep his marital infidelity hidden behind closed doors. She has made me hate her so much.
Only occasionally, I do exchange words with her. It is something I avoid completely. His mother cannot be touched by anyone, regardless of who they are. It was clear to me through pain that I was not to contradict her or upset her. If Rosa complains about something, and my husband will not hesitate to correct them. I should have known that this family is completely unbalanced and that I couldn't trust anyone. I’m stuck here, and I have no way to get out.
At the moment, all I can do is hold on, although on second thought, this, from the beginning, could not have been avoided.
Since I was a child, exactly when I turned ten, my fate was sealed. I remember that day perfectly because it was my birthday, and my dad threw a great party.
I’ve never had such a lavish birthday as that one. He did not skimp on anything. There were all kinds of food for everybody, he even hired a small funfair for all the kids who attended. There was even a carousel with real horses. That day was a dream, and that was also the day I saw him for the first time. Erik Costa, my husband.
He is ten years older than me. At that time, he was twenty. As a child, I saw him as a giant, his gaze always direct and without any expression, with a poker face all the time. I even thought his bad temper was because he didn’t like me. But as the party progressed, I could see that he was the same way with everybody. Moreover, I noted that was looking at me a lot, and I didn’t know why. He was alone in a corner, watching me play with the other children. Occasionally, I would see him talking to other adults, and I didn’t think any more of that, after all, it was my party, and I had to be the centre of attention.
But after cutting the cake, and opening the presents, my dad called me into his office. Nothing weird about that, most of the time I was with him, helping him, or that’s what I thought. When I opened the door to his office, and my dad saw me walk in, he smiled warmly at me. I knew my dad loved me, he just didn’t show it much at times. But when he did, I could feel his sincerity and his love. When he closed the door, I hadn’t noticed that someone else was there, until I turned my head to where the meeting room was.
It was him, the man who was staring at me. I turned to see my dad with uncertainty.
“Daughter, come closer, I want to introduce you to an important person.” My father said. But I was wondering why someone important wanted to talk to me.
I walked over to where my dad was and took his hand. He guided me to where the man was sitting and motioned for me to take a seat. The man stared at me intensely. I would have liked to know what he was thinking. He didn’t say anything, looking at me, until my dad spoke.
“Nora, love, this is Erik Costa. He is the son of a very important business partner, and he came especially to meet you.”
My dad encouraged me to say something, but I held out my hand to say hello. Erik just raises an eyebrow in amazement. Then, he left me there, with my hand in the air. I put it down, and my face turned red from embarrassment. I knew that everyone does that when greeting someone, but I don’t know what was his problem.
“Very well, Charles, I agree. I’m sure you’ll keep an eye on her until I come to collect her.”
That was the first time I heard his voice, and to my little self, it sounded like thunder had fallen in the middle of the house. My dad smiled even brighter, “you don’t have to worry, Erik. Nora will be ready for you when the time comes.” I turned to my dad since those words did not make sense in my head.
“I hope so, Charles, I’ll keep an eye anyway.” He nodded his head, then turned around and left the office. I was left with my mouth open, looking at his back with a bad, feeling.
Until I’m ready for what? I looked again at my dad, who didn’t take his eyes off the door where Erik came out.
“Dad, who was that man? And what was that strange talk?” My dad patted my head and then replied, “When it’s time, my love, you will know. Right now, why don’t you go back to the party? There are still many things to do.”
I nodded because, to be honest, the party was one of the things that were on my head at the time. So, I turned around and ran away.
If I had known what awaited me, I would have gone very far, or if not, mentally preparing myself as much as possible for everything to come. Every so often I wonder why my dad did this to me. I can’t find a good or reasonable answer. All I can think of are selfishness, greed, and evil. Everything but love. I was a naive girl back then, thinking that my family loved me. The day they told me I had to marry him, I was devastated.
There was no power in the world to stop it. Because Erik was a man, you wouldn’t want to be on his blacklist. According to my dad, he was not like us in the sense that he had no usual business background, but a very dangerous one. Then I found out that he was a criminal, a mobster.
He and his family had come to the United States from Venezuela. They had a fearsome reputation there and now, here. I also learned later that my dad had made a pact with the devil himself, and I was part of the transaction. I don't understand why I was involved in all this.
From that day on, my relationship with my parents went south. Despite how much they wanted to convince me of all the good things that would happen to me, I couldn’t see what they were seeing. That everything was for my good and that I was the most benefited person for having such a powerful man protecting me.
Lies, they wanted to justify their greed. I hated them so much that I even got sick. But the worst thing was not only that. What made me not speak to them again, was when I discovered that Erik had not just one, but several affairs.
I was planning to break my relationship with him for good, thinking that I would count on my parents. I already had a plan in place, and I wanted to go home with them, sure they would understand.
Then, I talked to my father and told him everything that had happened. But he, on the other hand, flatly refused. I was insulted because he called me crazy.
“How could you think of such a stupid thing? You already have a house. I want to avoid hearing anything more about that, do you hear me, Nora?”
My parents turned their backs on me. Besides their rejection, my mother told me that I would become accustomed to the pain over time. All that soon wouldn’t hurt as much.
“The solution to that is to turn your face away from the matter.” She said. That’s when my resentment towards them grew, and nothing changed over time.
They chose him. All about him, and his businesses. They pushed me aside and reduced me to being an accessory for him, and nothing more. But then, I realized one thing, I had no one on my side, and they abandoned me.
The meaning of family, they didn’t know it. That is how I lost my family.
From time to time, I see them, when my parents and Erik meet at their house to talk about their things. He always forces me to attend, and the few times I have refused, I did badly.
I remember once when both of my cheeks swelled after he slapped me. He also gave me a severe headache by grabbing my hair and dragging me around the house straight to my room to get change. The violence he displayed towards me was not limited to those times. It always happens whenever I refuse to touch him, or when I simply ignore him.
I have been locked in the basement a few times as well. An entire week at one time. He said he was teaching me a lesson about respect and obedience.
Another time, I found myself doubled over in pain on the floor. It was not slapping he gave me that day but punches with his fist as well. The beating was followed by several days of me being locked in my room. His excuse was that I needed to rest, so I could recover better. The man I am married to is an animal. Only because I do not follow his directions do I get in trouble, and I get in a lot of trouble.
Or the time I disagreed with his mother and got into an argument with her. I raised my voice to be heard. Even so, his reaction was as though I had struck her, or worse.
Afterwards, he pushed me to the ground and made me apologize on my knees, kneeling on the floor. Again and again, I begged for forgiveness until he was satisfied.
Looking at the plate of soup now, and thinking about all that, I decided to avoid getting beaten up for not eating this damn soup. It was not worth it. No, that’s not happening! I do not believe this is the way to go right now. Additionally, I’ve learned that it’s best to let go of little things like this.
We ate in silence, and when it was time for the main course, I nibbled here and there. There are many tricks to getting away with it that I’ve learned.
Without looking at him, I asked my husband, “Can I leave?” Yes, I must also ask for permission. I have nothing good to say about my life.
As I lingered over the napkin, I heard him speak, “Look at me when you are speaking to me, Nora. You know I don’t condone your lack of respect.”
OK, I looked him straight in the eye and asked, “Can I leave?” He lowered his silverware to the plate and watched me for a few seconds, then he nodded for me to leave. I wasted no more time and practically ran out of that place.
These people make me depressed. I then went up to my room and locked the door. It is my sanctuary, and I do not want anyone to enter. It is the only place where I feel more or less relieved.
My bed beckoned to me, so I lay down. I started to think about what my life has been up to today. I, am twenty-three years old, and the sun doesn’t seem to rise for me. When I was only, eighteen, I got married. Since five years ago, I have been experiencing constant nightmares.
In the bigging, things were different. I thought that this wouldn’t be so bad and everything would work out in the end. It was a matter of getting to know each other better and accepting my situation with Erik.
My first year was excellent. Wherever I could, I had a lot of fun. He managed to make me fall in love with him, and I even learned to see him differently than people do. He was my husband.
The first few times we had sex, it was magic for me. Many times, we made love to each other, making me feel special, he was impressive. Each time we made love, I felt really treasured and satisfied. I became more in love with him as a result of it. At the time, I thought that he also loved me and was trying to make me feel good about myself, giving our marriage this big opportunity.
It was my desire to enjoy his body as much as it was his. This was something he did very well. And all of a sudden, it all came tumbling down. It turned out it wasn’t just me who had been able to enjoy his soft touch. I was not the only one he looked after; I wasn’t the only one, period. This was a joke I played on myself. There was even a point when I thought that he was totally devoted to me.
A couple of years after we were married, I started to hear rumours. My husband is supposed to be spotted with different women, in restaurants or nightclubs. At first, I thought it was just rumoured, although, he did spend more time outside, as well as his attitude towards me changed.
He became jealous and possessive for unknown reasons. He many times forbade me to leave the house at times, nor was I allowed to see the few friends I had left.
Then, he starts arguing with me about everything. His excuse was that I do everything wrong, that I was a good-for-nothing pampered bitch. That’s when he started getting violent with me.
Afterwards, he didn’t care whether he had been seen or not with someone else. Not even for maintaining appearances. His arms were slung with women all the time. You could see him at business dinners with a date or two. Women here, women there. Women everywhere.
All of that filled me with fury. One day, after becoming tired of all that, I decided to confront him. But he turned all against me. He grabbed the collar of my blouse, putting his face millimetres from mine. In a rage, he was grinding his teeth, “Nora, it is none of your business what goes on in my life. You shouldn’t get involved in what I decide to do. It won’t work out for you in the end. Until you can’t remember anything, I promise I’ll keep you in the basement if you can’t shut your mouth.”
It never occurred to me that this would happen. My complaints of him about his infidelity and my attempt to make myself heard took him to another level.
That is how my illusions were smashed. For me, marriage was a nightmare from which I did not know how to awaken. As far as I was concerned, the word “family” was no longer meaningful to me. In fact, I was alone, and I was unsure what my future would hold. Because I wasn’t interested in continuing to live this kind of life. Yet, I was also unable to save myself.
